My mom came and woke me up in the morning while I was asleep in bed.

صحَّى to wake up
و انا when I

I told her, “Okay, I’m up! But I’m groggy. How can I wake up?”

مِسقّط sluggish, sleepy, groggy, lazy
فاق to wake up fully, return to a usual state of consciousness, overcome grogginess

I was pissed off because of the traffic congestion and I got heat stroke.

دمّ blood
اِتْعكّر be disturbed, agitated
كُتْر large amount
زحْمة crowdedness (here: traffic congestion)
الشّمْس كلِتْلُه دِماغُه (lit. the sun ate away his brain) to get sun stroke

I headed to the office and quickly called out to the gofer.

قام (besides meaning to get up, it means to set out, start to do something)
طالِع is the active participle of طِلِع to ascend, go upstairs
ندهْ to call
ساعي is someone who runs errands, does miscellaneous tasks (and in the expression ساعى بريد it’s the mail carrier)

I finished work and said to my friend, “Let’s go to a coffee house.”

قهْوَه (or قهْوَه بلدى) is a traditional Egyptian coffee house where mostly men hang out, drink tea, and may smoke shisha, read the newspaper, play backgammon or cards, etc.

Confusion, mistreatment, exhaustion in the heat (direct sun); my head was exploding.

بهْدِل to confuse, dishevel
اِتْبهْدِل to be confused, stressed out from being overwhelmed (for example: انا اتْبهْدِلْت النّهارْدة في الشُّغْل I was overwhelmed at work today.)
مرْمط be hard on, treat badly
نفوخ crown of the head (but idiomatically just ‘head’)
فجْوَة hole; the idiom here (lit. my head made a hole) means I had a splitting headache. (This is new slang and may not be understood by older Egyptians.)

Then he told me, “Same here. And I wish you hadn’t told me.”

زيّ like, as
زيّك like you
ياريْت (optionally + pronoun suffix)
ما not (without the ـش suffix on the verb after the expression ياريْت)
So, he bummed his friend out by telling him about his awful day since his friend can relate.

But we are very close to get married, only 6 years left!

هانِت means you are very close to doing something. So, let’s say your daughter is feeling bad about her next exams; you can encourage her with “هانِت!” (You’re almost there!)
فاضِل remaining
The sentence means “Just six more years until I get married!” It’s sarcastic. He doesn’t have enough money to get married and he is making fun of that! Six years is a long time.

Since early morning, I’ve been truly exhausted. 

مِن صباحية ربِّنا early in the morning [lit. the morning of our Lord]

بهْدلة confusion

My mom came and asked me what happened, why and how.

سأل to ask
ـني me
ليْه why
إزّاي how

I told her, “Mom, before I say even half a word, I want to drink …”

نُصّ half
كلْمة word

What do you want to drink? I’ll have tea.

x8 (And in your head for the rest of the day: ad infinitum! You’re welcome!)